I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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