I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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