Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
