Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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