My room smells like vodka and shame
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
