Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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