Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
