How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
