Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
