Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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