puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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