How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
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Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
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Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
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