Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
tell me about the eggs
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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