Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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