How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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