Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.