how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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