i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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