She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
