cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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