Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
