did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
