Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
