This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
