I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
