It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
