***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
