Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
