Jerry, you need to find god
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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