i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
