i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
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he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
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Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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