You're completely useless in the revolution.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
