Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
