What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
