i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
