Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
