MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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