They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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