Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
