So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
