counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize