dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
