i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
