so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
