Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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