I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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