so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
