dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it