haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.