he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
