It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
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The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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