this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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