I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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