I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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