I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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