I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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