Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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