just come out here and I will go home with you...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
