the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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