Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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