Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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