you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
